tracheal resection, day 6

I am literally a monster.

I haven't taken a shower in nearly 7 days.

I can't wear a bra, so my girls are just...everywhere.

I'm wearing one of my mom's shirts, to avoid the hospital gown. Whyyyy did I not think to bring my own shirts!?

I have a drain sticking out of my neck that has literal blood and puss running down into a bulb that I have safety-pinned to the aforementioned shirt, so as not to let the drain get pulled on too far. Sometimes I tuck it into my shirt, and we laugh because I look like the girl with three boobs from Total Recall.

I am hooked up to this freaking monitoring system that they have literally taped on to me because it wouldn't stay. So when I stand up, when I walk, when I go pee--when I basically attempt to function, I have to battle the 10-pound box dangling from my left wrist.

I have an incision that goes from one side of my neck to the other.

I have three-inch stitches from my chin to my chest, so that I can't throw my head back and tear open the doctor's hard work. These stitches freaking hurt, and they get snagged on things every now and then.

OMG. I die every time.

I finished my nebulizer treatments today, which gave me hope that tomorrow is the day my surgeon will take me into the OR, but no such luck. I haven't heard from him since the first day, post-op. As my doctor friend, Tonya, said, "Poor form," but I am still grateful for his work.

My new voice is scary. Like, suuuuper low. I hate it, and am hoping it just needs to heal a bit more. I am on a self-imposed voice rest, with the hopes that it will.

The spasms in my neck have intensified. Today, I consulted with PT and she gave me some tips. Until they are able to work fully, I am sitting on a heating pad that covers my neck and back.

I coughed so hard earlier (a big no-no), that it literally radiated right up my neck and into my head, giving me an instant headache. I couldn't help it--it literally just exploded out of me. The headache still has not subsided.

I learned today that the doctor who did my tracheostomy in 2007 actually cut right through my thyroid. So that's something I will need to check further into. Maybe it helps explain why I'm always so tired and overweight--and here I thought it was because I wasn't getting any oxygen. Lol.

I am refusing pain meds because...they're pointless. They aren't touching any residual pain, so why bother? I am, however, still taking the muscle relaxers. ;)

But amidst all of my complaining, at the end of the day...I am still breathing.

And that's why I started on this journey to begin with, right!?

(My gorgeous flowers from a good friend)